Yesterday, I opened my email and found an email from a fellow blogger who said that she loved hearing about my marriage. That, I had a wonderful marriage and that we seemed so in love and had such a perfect marriage. Yes...well....at first I thought ... Do I have everyone fooled? Then I thought, really...I am quite the liar. God, she can't talk to our kids! Next thought, but who the heck wants to hear the truth. The truth is ...I don't know what the perfect marriage looks like although for years I would peer at other marriages like window shopping at a designer store. Love that...but could never have it...too expensive!
The truth is ...we married young, had struggles with everything. How to make money? How to make love?
( making the time, not the technique...we did know that) How to communicate? You pick any topic...and Hubby and I struggled to navigate our way through it. We didn't just think about giving up...we did several times! Although, we did not divorce...once was close. Have I shattered that picture perfect image NOW?
We have in essence a true designer marriage! It turns out all that window shopping I did...I wasn't looking at all the backroom preparation that goes into that beautiful dress in the window. It starts with an idea. Then the drawing board and lots of stops and starts, with many discarded images cast aside. Then a mock up of cheap fabric with a hope of something beautiful...but then it doesn't look quite right or hang just the right way. So, a nip here and tuck there. If you are very lucky, if you pick the right fabric...you have a beautiful dress that looks great. My point is it is a process...and sometimes...it doesn't work. Sometimes...you end up feeling like a crumpled, discarded mess on the floor.
My heart goes out to all those marriages that don't work out because no one gets married thinking someday I will get divorced. You think you will stay married. I know the disappointment, fear, and sadness of the realization that my marriage was a failure. I can still remember the first argument my husband and I got into...soon after we married. It was about me putting or rather not putting the cap back on the tube of toothpaste. He seemed unreasonably mad and that made me bigger mad...I can do bigger mad better than anyone! I still do. I thought then we were headed for divorce because we argued then.
I would love to say that was our biggest argument but we had more complicated things than a tube of toothpaste to negotiate through our marriage.My regret is that our children saw most of our fights. My parents didn't fight in front of their children nor did my husband's. Now, the flip side of that is you don't get to see how those disagreements are worked out.I am pleased to say that by the Grace of God my kids do seem to work through their disagreements...they have all chosen wonderful spouses who we all adore.
Here is my marriage advice. There are no perfect marriages. They are hard work and sometimes...no matter how hard you work they don't work out. For us....when we couldn't rely on one another which was many times...we relied on God. I have been married 36 years this July...and it has been wonderful, awful, so-much-work, joyful, rewarding and a lot like the civil war! I sometimes marvel that we are still together and I then I think...Thank you, thank you God! Of all the things you have given me...thank you God!
Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9