Tuesday, May 22, 2012


I currently have about three blog posts marinating in the bloggy oven, right now...not sure if they are worth working on or even if I will think about them again. I am thinking about words today...Here is how that happened. A friend started a blog about the Civil war and she wrote to ask about the "Word Verification" feature on her blog...specifically how to get it off her blog. She led me to believe that it was annoying her husband, which reminded me that I was annoyed with my husband for finishing my word find puzzle. Then, I thought of our daughter who loves words and spends a crazy amount of time choosing just the right word when she writes...she is in marketing and words are important to convey just the right emotion connected to whatever you are marketing. From there I thought of words and emotions...how powerful words really are. IF you are still following my line of thinking and if you have concluded along with me, that I may need medication...I will continue.

While thinking about words and the choice of those words and how they can cause emotional feelings, I remembered an unfortunate incident. Two men who may have a history I am unaware of engaged in a debate during a Sunday School class. And because of a few  choice words sprinkled with a few unpleasant hand gestures and other troublesome body posturing which led to an angry encounter. THIS in a SUNDAY SCHOOL class with two men who are in the same denomination...it makes me wonder if we can be civil during an election year.

My Husband and I have been married for a very long time, many of those years very happily, some not-so-happily. We have gone to a lot of counseling. I have learned not to use words like ALWAYS and NEVER because they are not great words! I find that whatever you put them in front of , it renders it not true. If it is a positive statement people will doubt your sincerity and if it is a criticism you will not be take seriously. That is ALWAYS true by the way! :)  I also don't finger point and Bob rarely ( nice word) holds up a hand in the air to make a point. I try very hard in my passion, not to raise my voice as oddly enough I have found the louder you get the less people will listen. Bob, seldom (nicer word) turns his back on me while I am speaking.

I am no longer sorry Bob and I have had a troubled marriage. I was envious of people who had easy-going relationships, while Bob and struggled. We have worked hard and continue to work hard to love one another better. We are a better couple and we are nicer people to be around...we are in a word...CIVIL to one another. Who knew civil could be so sexy! Civil...and I have come full circle back to my friends blog about the Civil war.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Choose an Identity

This morning I went to leave a comment on a blog and just below the comment, blogger suggests you Choose an Identity...So, I chose blogger profile: Ronda's Rants and my comment appeared. It however,  starting me thinking of all the opportunities we have to choose our identities. I am a wife and I happily choose that identity although Mrs.Hubby  has never, ever appealed to me. I love him but I rather dislike being known as a Mrs. Him. I find wedding invitations boringly difficult.  My mother-in-law referred to our whole family as "The Bob's"...it annoyed the hell out of me...but that is another blog post.

The other place we are forced to Choose an Identity or at least people of my age group do is when our children have children. This would make us the Grandparents.A grandparent by any other name is still a grandparent. Some of my dear friends choose names that make us sound less like grandparents and more like Prep school students. Muffy, Mia, Nina and others.  I am guilty of it myself. I am Gigi. I didn't choose it, I chose Granny. I would have gladly been one and with all the images that went with it. The First Grandson decided on Gigi and that was that. He deserves the right to name me! I am just grateful he didn't call me "The old washer woman" because I would have  answered to it! But,  I know other Gigi (s), in fact it has gotten so common that Hubby joked that I should change mine to Lady Gigi. There are a lot of hip variations of grandmother these days and I smile each time I hear a new one. One of my friends told me before her child had the baby ... that she would like to be called "Princess"...I waited for the punch line that never came. I don't know how this all played out but sanity ruled out and she is now called Grandmomma, maybe there is a Princess in front of that for special occasions.

I would gladly choose my identity as grandmother. It has been the best time of my life. My children are wonderful parents and the fulfillment I enjoy comes from thinking I have played a small part in their success as parents. So...maybe...Lady Gigi is befitting...

Monday, May 7, 2012

I Think My Inner Voice Needs to Go Sit in the Corner!

A couple of mornings ago I opened my eyes from a-not-so-great night of sleep...my face was scrunched up tight and as my eyes opened, I noticed my fists were clenched. I sensed rather than felt I was angry at something or someone. It was then that I heard I was sure... the source of my anger, whistling his little tune, hopping up the stairs two at a time. "It's him...that you're angry with..." said my Inner Voice "You just have to remember why..."
So, my little brain tries in vain to search out the memory..."Did we go to bed angry with each other?"
No...No...No..."Did you have a bad dream?"  "Yesssss, maybe...."

The Hubby appears standing beside me, all smiles...with a hot cup of coffee in hand and I think my Inner Voice is insane as this is clearly God's most perfect man standing in front of me! I smile...but my dang Inner Voice isn't willing to let this go ...it's kicking me in the head as I tell my Hubby "Thank you!...Love you...Good Morning!" It scratches at me...willing me to Think, Think, Think...What did he do in the dream?

In that moment of caffeine surging clarity ... I realize my Inner Voice hates me! Why else would it want me to be mad at a loving man bringing me a perfect cup of coffee for no other reason than he loves me?  I decide right then and there...that MY Inner Voice needs a muzzle!

Recently, I  was set to lead a discussion with a group of people I didn't know, I mean...not to say, I didn't know them very well, I mean to say...I didn't know them, at all. My Inner Voice was sending me messages that would have made the end of the world more appealing than speaking in front of these people! The Hubby talked me down from the mental tree I was busy climbing, telling me to be myself and to let them see my passion for the topic. I listened and relaxed.

I am not sure men do this...but I know many of us women do this. We listen to these bad voices in our heads that tell us "We aren't good enough. We aren't pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough...or just enough"!

So...I led the discussion. And it went fine. I never did remember why I thought I was angry with the whistling, stair hopping, coffee-bringing  man and I just told my Inner Voice to sit in the corner and be quiet until it can say nicer things to me.

I realize I have more power over my thoughts and feelings than I had thought...I can choose to be happy, I can choose to be content...I can choose to be able to do this!

Friday, May 4, 2012

As I Was Saying...

I walk in the woods a lot...almost, everyday. I, think of myself as am more of a city girl or more accurately a beachy kind-of-girl...more of a Florida girl. This really is only the second time in my life that I have spent any length of time on the mountain and I had forgotten how beautiful this land really is...and it is very beautiful, even in the Winter months.

 There is an old homestead property closer to the top of the mountain. The Hubby and I walk up their often, sometimes...the girls, (our two dogs) and I walk up there alone. They explore and I sit on a rock and think about how the lives of these settlers might have been. The house is gone, even the chimney...just a flat service covered by layers and layers of leaves and fallen limbs...but you can make out the space where they lived. They are near the spring...so they had water close by. They weren't related to my husband's family and the house was long gone even when my Hubby's father was a child.

 I wonder all the time if the Mrs. Homesteader was happy here...did she find it cold, lonely and different as I do. Did they leave...because the Mrs. had a temper tantrum? I find that heating with a Wood Stove is difficult...she would have heated her home, cooked and heated her water for baths on it. She would have had no electricity, no internet, no phones and no car with or without good gas mileage. She would not have had a quick brewed cup of Starbucks waiting for her! Did she love this kind of life? Or, was she resigned to it? Did she feel overwhelmed...as I do.  

A friend said that I am still in grieving, mourning, if you will... for my old life. I think, that is true. I, also think, I thought this was a vacation and eventually we would move back home! After, almost a year...I realize we are home. 

In the woods...your imagination goes wild...sometimes, as I run...I think I see a glimpse of Big Foot! Other, times when it's quiet, which is often...I imagine I hear someone say "You can do it Deary!" ...I like to think it's Mrs. Homesteader and I also, like to imagine she says it with a lovely Scottish brogue 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

So... A Girl Walks into the Woods...

Stop me if you heard this one before...

If only this was the start of a really funny joke and I had a really funny punch line to follow but alas...I do not.
I did have the best of intentions with blogging again and I DID think I had found my voice...turns out it was more of a whine. Who wants to hear that? Who wants to wead "Wonda's Whines"?  I am 53 years old, well, almost 54 and frankly, life hasn't turned out like I thought it would. THAT'S not the problem, as we did have a Plan B...but the problem is I don't think I care for it. Maybe we should adopt a Plan B .5 version.

Back to my post title...So...A Girl Walks into the Woods. The girl is me and I walk in the woods a.lot. We live on 150 acres with a few family owned houses sprinkled on them. We moved here after all the construction work in Florida went away and as that is what our company did...we didn't have much to do!  So, with not so much to do my husband accepted a job offer in Virginia. I followed 5 months later and that was a year ago.  We had planned on building a house here because it is BEAUTIFUL here...but I have discovered that I may not like solitude as much as I should. During the winter months...I was cold. COLD. I know others weren't, I know it was the mildest winter in recorded history. I don't care...I was COLD. It doesn't help my situation that my husband wasn't cold and he loves it here so-so-so much...that he sings "I'm in heaven"!  See, I don't even have a catchy song to sing back for "No... you...the hell aren't"!

In my solitude ( as I have not gone back to work) I read, walk in the woods, facebook-like-crazy, google+... some, and seriously ignore twitter and pinterest. I tutor young readers (love that) and volunteer for my church family. I have started running and while not good...I am proud of it as frankly...I am old... but I am RUNNING. My point is I am trying...I am a praying person as my faith is very important to me, I practice Yoga and Meditation. But yet...this quiet sadness washes over me, pinning me down...stopping me in a current of water flowing against my path. Is that normal? When I run...I think my daughter-in-my-heart would be proud of me! When the child I tutor says something "bitter-sweetly" funny...I think "Rob would have said that when he was little". When I see wee little ones...I think always, of my beloved grandchildren. Everywhere I look...my former life and my family peek and push their way through. I miss them. I don't have the words to express my feelings. I thought I would have a different life. I am too old to have a temper tantrum...I am... right? So, I run, read, pray, do yoga and meditate. I also, drive to Tampa, Florida...VERY, VERY, MUCH!

This was my facebook status this morning:
When you are feeling "Blue" or "Down in the dumps" (what does that mean?) What do you do to make yourself feel better again?

It seemed to resonate with others...some great suggestions. One of the suggestions was medication. I haven't ruled it out. I will try blogging...and possibly a part time job. I know I am blessed...and I know who I belong to. I will keep you posted.