A couple of mornings ago I opened my eyes from a-not-so-great night of sleep...my face was scrunched up tight and as my eyes opened, I noticed my fists were clenched. I sensed rather than felt I was angry at something or someone. It was then that I heard I was sure... the source of my anger, whistling his little tune, hopping up the stairs two at a time. "It's him...that you're angry with..." said my Inner Voice "You just have to remember why..."
So, my little brain tries in vain to search out the memory..."Did we go to bed angry with each other?"
No...No...No..."Did you have a bad dream?" "Yesssss, maybe...."
The Hubby appears standing beside me, all smiles...with a hot cup of coffee in hand and I think my Inner Voice is insane as this is clearly God's most perfect man standing in front of me! I smile...but my dang Inner Voice isn't willing to let this go ...it's kicking me in the head as I tell my Hubby "Thank you!...Love you...Good Morning!" It scratches at me...willing me to Think, Think, Think...What did he do in the dream?
In that moment of caffeine surging clarity ... I realize my Inner Voice hates me! Why else would it want me to be mad at a loving man bringing me a perfect cup of coffee for no other reason than he loves me? I decide right then and there...that MY Inner Voice needs a muzzle!
Recently, I was set to lead a discussion with a group of people I didn't know, I mean...not to say, I didn't know them very well, I mean to say...I didn't know them, at all. My Inner Voice was sending me messages that would have made the end of the world more appealing than speaking in front of these people! The Hubby talked me down from the mental tree I was busy climbing, telling me to be myself and to let them see my passion for the topic. I listened and relaxed.
I am not sure men do this...but I know many of us women do this. We listen to these bad voices in our heads that tell us "We aren't good enough. We aren't pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough...or just enough"!
So...I led the discussion. And it went fine. I never did remember why I thought I was angry with the whistling, stair hopping, coffee-bringing man and I just told my Inner Voice to sit in the corner and be quiet until it can say nicer things to me.
I realize I have more power over my thoughts and feelings than I had thought...I can choose to be happy, I can choose to be content...I can choose to be able to do this!