I'm Back...

I'm back ...like a bad rash!

I am telling this sad little story, at the risk of becoming the poster child of menopausal women so I might win a Holiday contest/giveaway hosted by Adventures in Juju Boo, The Love, the lemons & the Laundry! I don't even know what I am possibly winning in the humiliating of myself and family members! But, this is how I roll!

Thanksgiving...The one where Mom drank a bottle of wine!

It, this sad little tale really started much earlier...when I was about 36. It was a work day, when in fact I was at work..at a bank and I had just opened some kind of account and was walking to the teller line to have the teller handle the deposit. All of a sudden...I felt like my skin was on fire and that my whole body had just been dropped into an oven. Without thinking...I said "Oh my God, how hot is it in here?"
It was then that I looked at these 20 somethings dressed like Eskimos...who looked anything but hot! The young girl smiled and said "I'm freezing"
I smiled right back and said "I'm not!" Then I noticed the knowing smiles coming from the 20 something crowd and they looked at each other nodding...and I think I heard the music from Queen play softly...Another one bites the dust...and another one down.

Also, around this time I started having really bad headaches...that no one knew what was causing...at least none of the fancy Doctors I was asking...
I mentioned casually to my Mom that I had been waking up drenched in sweat almost ever night... and that I had quietly convinced myself that I had malaria since the only person who I knew who did this was my Dad who had contracted malaria while in Vietnam!
My Mom was quiet and spoke softly..."Maybe you should see you Doctor and have them take blood work... "
I said "I knew it! I have malaria!"
"No" she said "I think you maybe having the change of life!"
"What...that can't be!" I said.
"It could be and it is a very long process" my Mom said. Symptoms would come and go for me for a long while.

So...when I was 42, I was thinking that I might want to have another baby...not biologically but rather adopt but I hadn't convinced my Hubby of this...whenever he said "No!" which was often...I would get a little more depressed.
I remember just before Thanksgiving of that year walking into his office and the two 20 somethings who worked there...greeted me. One of them had just had a baby girl and the other one said "Ronda, you should have seen Bob with the baby yesterday!"
My heart lifted...he held a baby! This is too good to be true...I thought surely I could convince him of the fun and joy of having a baby again...that is until she said what came next!
"Yes, Bob said he can't wait until you have grandchildren!"
To this day...Bob and I disagree on what he could have possibly meant...it doesn't matter all I heard was "My wife is too old to be a mother, again!"

This was just days before the Thanksgiving that will live in infamy in our household!
I was feeling really wounded and I probably should have just cancelled but our oldest was coming down from college and bringing the sweetest girl in the world to our house, this sweet girl would later become our daughter-in-law! My mother, father and grandmother were all expected and it would be a household full...of witnesses!

I wish I could explain my feeling but you just have to experience this one for yourself...I sincerely wanted to murder my husband...but knew that my children would be hurt by the death of their father...especially my daughter. So...killing him was not an option!
If he had been sorry he hurt my feelings that would have been something but instead he continued to treat his wife like she was insane...which makes no sense to me! So...this person whom I wanted to kill...wanted to cook turkey with me in my kitchen! I would have all these silent arguments going on in my head...and out of no where I would look him in the face and declare..
"Lot's of women my age have babies!" He would look all startled and say something benign like... "Do we have oregano?"
People kept arriving...and I would be all two faced...I would hug them and then go back and forth alternating between ignoring and yelling at my destined to be murdered husband!

Finally, seconds before my parents and my grandmother arrived...I had worked myself up into an emotional tizzy and because it was hot in the kitchen...I screamed..."Oh my God is it hot in here?" Someone made a joke about it being just you Mom! The entire room fell silent...you could cut the tension with a knife...My poor father walked in...and said while looking at my Hubby...
"Boy...is she giving you a hard time?"
I burst into tears and left 15 people standing in my home and I ran to my bedroom and slammed the door...I cried uncontrollably! I don't think I have cried that hard ever!
I could hear my Dad saying.."What did I do?"
My mother, my grandmother and my daughter came in the room and I just sat on the bed and cried... I felt old and used up! I felt like my body was completely betraying me!
I told them I didn't know what was wrong with me...My Mom just held me while I sobbed!
Finally, my grandmother said...Maybe a glass of wine would make you feel better! My granny said this...which cracked me up! I yelled for my oldest son who was conveniently 21 at the time... when he came in I said "Go get me a bottle of wine...any kind, any brand...just go get some!"
So...for the first thanksgiving I drank wine with dinner...no one else did but I didn't care!
That was the last time...My hubby and I cooked Thanksgiving Dinner together!

This menopause has been a long process for me and sometimes...it just sucks!
But...I am happy being a grandmother! This Thanksgiving...I am most thankful to be a grandmother and my poor lucky- to- be- alive Hubby still doesn't think he said anything wrong!